There is a scene in the movie Ghost in the Shell where Major, the augmented cyborg who has no real recollection of her past says “Everyone seems to fit with something.”

Dr. Ouelet, the scientist who created her responds with “We all cling to the past as if it defines us. It is what we do that defines us.”

We all have a past that was joyful, painful or mostly not remarkable but many of us seem to have trouble letting go of the past. Too many people let their past define them because they think of their past selves as better versions of who they are today or as the reason for who they are today.

We have in our minds, a glorified version of who we were and we underestimate just how much we have changed as a person. We get stuck in the past and use it as an excuse for our failures today instead of learning from the past and creating a different reality.

Letting go of the past is a vital key to creating a better now and future but why do we hang on to the past in the first place?

Hanging onto the past lets us put the blame on someone else

If you think about your past relationships for example, do you bring the burden from one relationship to another?

Many people who had their partners cheated on them find it hard to trust another person because they think that every man/woman is the same, a liar and unfaithful.

When problems arise in their new relationships, they blame their ex for instilling this inability to trust and blame the current partner for failing to dispel that mistrust instead of seeing the issue as their own.  

Hanging onto the past lets us off the hook about our responsibilities today

When we blame everything on our past, it gives us leeway when it comes to taking ownership of our lives.

Our past includes our circumstances and there are many people who blame their circumstances when it comes to not achieving what they want.

Most often, they blame a lack of money for their misfortunes, things like not being able to afford college or living in a lousy neighbourhood or having a lousy childhood.

By blaming our past, we have basically told ourselves that it is not our fault that we are not living the life we want. The lack of ownership only drives us further away from our dreams.

We glorify the past as if it was so much better than the present

If you asked older folks about their youth or their childhood, they would probably say that it was a struggle but they were happy.

The question is how much happier were they really? Aren’t most people happier in their youth and childhood because the stress of putting food on the table and taking care of the mortgage did not exist for them at the time?

When we think about our youth or our childhood, we were happier because children are happier than adults. Plus, we tend to forget about some of the inconveniences and only think about the good times, that is how we are wired.

Yet, when we think about our current life, all we can see is the hardships and the struggles.

Most people also take pride in their struggles because it is regarded as a sign of character to survive hardships.

In tribal communities, there are often initiation rituals that involve tests of bravery. If you passed these tests, you are considered an adult and after the initiation ceremonies, the stories of how you triumphed follows you.

Much like initiation into adulthood in tribes, us city folks wear survival stories like badges of honour after going through tough spots in our lives.

When we glorify the past, we are marveling at the person we were to have overcome those obstacles.

We remember the light at the end of the tunnel but not always the process of going through those tunnels in the first place.

Hanging onto the past lets us hang on to past versions of ourselves

Many of us look upon our younger days with joy because we think of ourselves as being better. Of course, we were younger, fitter, better looking, had more fun, had more friends, went out more and generally just had a better life than what we see in our current state.

The truth is that you cannot keep being the same person as you were because time does not stand still. Just like we think of the past as being so much better, we think that past versions of ourselves are much better. But we are not. We were just different versions of ourselves, just as we will be different in the future.

How you can let go of the past

Letting go of the past is about moving away from the emotion that keeps you trapped in the vicious cycle.

First, recognise and acknowledge the situation you are frustrated with. This could be your constant bickering with your partner, your inability to believe in your capabilities and your inability to stick with your goals.

Next, think about past situations that are similar. How did you feel in those situations? Do you see similar patterns between how you are reacting now and how you reacted before? Are you dealing with these situations the same way because you assumed it should be?

For example, if you had a partner who cheated on you, do you assume that your current partner is not to be trusted neither? Do you then make it a point to check up on his/her whereabouts and are these points of contention between you?

Or how about not believing in your abilities? Did you failed at something years ago and believe you will never be able to achieve anything?

After identifying that you have brought your past into the present, take a step back and think rationally.

Are all people the same? Can you really be certain that your current partner will cheat on you?

Have you never succeeded at anything before? Is it logical to assume that because you failed at that other thing once, you will fail in everything else?

Making the connection between the actions you are making now because of how you felt in the past is key to breaking this pattern of not letting go of the past.

Once you have made that connection, begin to question how you are behaving now. Ask yourself whether it made sense to still carry that emotion from the past. Who are you really hurting when you carry your past burdens with you?

As you begin to realise that the only one suffering from the past is you; aim to let go of it a little bit each day and start to experience your reality in your life today.

Your past does not define you; it merely shapes you.

The person that you are today are an amalgamation of your experiences, your victories and your failures. These are moments in your past that makes you who you are today. You should be free to reminisce about your past as long as you do not dwell in it and on it.

Moving forward from the past requires that you see yourself as the person in control of your life today, no one else.

The choices you make, the emotions you have and the responses you give all come from you today.

You must let go off the past hurt and your past self to move forward. When your expectations are not met today, it is you who have let your standards slipped but it is also up to you to raise them.

Learn from your past struggles and victories but move on. They are no longer your present reality.

We can’t still be boasting about being great at spelling in our adulthood nor can we boast about being promoted in our first job twenty years ago.

Whether you were poor or rich, had loving parents or parents who didn’t give a toss, those things belong to the past, to your memories and no more than that.

Your reality is now and what you do today that defines you.