What defines us? Is it our jobs, how we look, the things we wear and use, our lifestyle or the roles we play?

The answer is, all of the above and then some.

These days, everywhere we look there are articles online and books on the shelves that informs us on how to be happy or how to achieve our goals. These are all external extension of ourselves, these are the things we do and pursue that tells ourselves and others who we are.

We pursue happiness and goals simply because we want to live a fulfilling life. The equation seems simple, find things you are happy to do and do it. Yet, this simplistic way of looking at fulfilment fails to address the importance of knowing who we are and exactly how we define ourselves.

Know thyself

Our identity is a combination of our personality, our beliefs, our values, our experiences. One of the first things that we learn as toddlers is differentiating ourselves from others. We know that we are looking at ourselves in the mirror, and we know that we are someone who does this job or we identify as someone who is this person to another human being. We see ourselves as the work we do and the roles we play, often in relation to another person.

Who are you without other people around to define you?

We think that we know ourselves well but if we really drill down to who we are in the core, we find that we do not know anything at all.

Everything you do starts from the core of who you are. The way you behave, the beliefs you have about yourself, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your habits, your values, your purpose.

When we do not define who we are on our own terms, others will define it for us. Knowing who we are helps us thrive by helping us know three things: where we fit in, where can we best apply ourselves and know what truly matters to us.

Knowing these three things will help bring more fulfilment to your life because as human beings, our needs are fundamental: to belong, to live with purpose and have a sense of control over the direction of our lives.

When these needs are met, we feel better about ourselves, more secure and therefore more satisfied with our lives.

How we learn to view ourselves

A big part of who we are comes from how we see ourselves. As kids we learn about who we are from the adults around us from statements such as:

“Oh you are so clever!”

“Such a pretty little girl.”

“what a handsome boy.”

Over time, we hear these statements and they start to form how we view ourselves, our self-image. When we enter school, our grades seem to imply whether we are clever or dumb, classmates let us know whether we are likeable and why do they like us or not.

When we enter the workforce, most of the view we had about ourselves goes out the window. In school we had established part of who we are, or at least what made sense to us at that time.

Suddenly we find ourselves having to prove ourselves once again when we start working in the real world. We find ourselves back at square one feeling insecure about our capabilities and shaky about who we are.

At the workplace, bosses, colleagues, clients, will try to define you according to what works for them. You might be more useful to your boss if you were compliant, you might be more popular with your colleagues if you gossiped about others, you might close more deals if you were more ruthless. Are these things the real you though?

When you do not figure out where you stand, others will do it for you.

When you start to define who you in different situations, having your own beliefs, sticking to your own values, you will find that your relationship with people in your life will change accordingly.

This is inevitable, just as others play a role for us, we play our roles for others and it is this inter-play of roles that we find out who we connect with.

Where do we fit in? Whom do we connect with?

As we get older, we go from an inquisitive young child to a very often sullen teenager who are just trying to figure out where we fit in. Are we the cool ones? Are we the nerdy ones? Are we the in-betweeners who are neither cool nor nerdy? Where do we fit in?

Even as adults, we are still trying to find our fit in this world. Are we the corporate type, the artsy type, the nonconformist, the one most likely to become a manager or are we the risk-takers, the entrepreneurs?

How about your lifestyle, are you a party animal or an introverted reader? Do you enjoy exercising? Are you the yoga type or the Crossfit type? Or are you both?

We are simply looking for a tribe to call our own. We want to be surrounded by our peeps who are into the same things or have a similar outlook on life and how can we do this if we do not know what we really like and want?

By knowing who we are, we can clarify whom we want to be with in our lives. This clarity comes from knowing the type of people we like, the type of people who might like us and knowing what standards and expectations we wish to set for ourselves.

Love and connection

Finding love is not like the innocent crushes you get in school. When we get a crush on someone, we are only seeing them from our perspective because we don’t really know them. So we form unrealistic expectations, like expecting all men to be romantic as if they were all leading stars in a romance drama.

Finding love is about finding that person who loves you for who you are, flaws and all. It is about being with someone who cares what you think, respects your decisions and wants to be around you because you make each other happy.

Guess what, it is a two-way street, you need to be the same for the other person too.

Finding real love and connection starts from our inner self.

Not because we must make the other person bend to our whims, instead, it is about knowing what both of us want, like, dislike, desire and our own standards and boundaries.

So many people get together and try to change the other person. You cannot do that, it is impossible to be happy for both parties if one or both you have to pretend to be somebody else.

But before you can find out whether a person is right for you, you need to know what is right for you. You have to start with yourself, find out who you are and don’t be the person someone else wants you to be.

Knowing where we can best apply ourselves

I believe we all have a purpose in life. There is a magical sweet spot that ticks all the boxes in terms of our attitude and aptitude and most importantly, ignites a fire in your belly. We get obsessed with our purpose and we get focused on making it a reality.

Sir Ken Robinson calls it The Element, Abraham Maslow termed this self-actualisation and the church refers to this as a calling.

No matter what you call it, the sum of it is the same. It is a strong inner impulse towards a mission or vocation or work that you have the utmost passion for and is willing to commit time and effort to.

When our purpose is clear, we are driven by an inner compass to move in our chosen direction. It becomes clearer to us the path we should take and therefore minimises a lot of aimless drifting through life.

Deciding what truly matters to us

Most of live our lives as if we have all the time in the world. We let the daily grind blind us and we don’t see the fact that we are slowly letting time slip away from us.

We get caught up in our daily struggles, our frustration with the commute, our annoyance at our overbearing colleagues and customers, the person who cut the queue in front of us.

Things like this are annoying but truth is, they don’t truly matter. Not in the grand scheme of things.

We obsess with things like our weight, the latest fashion, the latest gadget, petty jealousy over other people’s achievement but again these things don’t truly matter.

So what truly matters?

Living life on your own terms, being who you are, being with people who love and accept you for who you are and doing the things that you are called to do, that’s what life is all about.

In Bronnie Ware’s book, Regrets of the Dying, the number one regret of people on their final stretch of their life here on earth, was wishing they had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life that others expected of them.  

So many of us worry about what others think of us, worry about pleasing others and in the meantime, forget who we truly are, our own hopes and dreams.

It is time to reconnect with who you are and proceed with living life the way you want to.  

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