I have always wanted to figure out what makes people passionate about something or committed to a mission. I was always envious of people who had one skill that they mastered, is passionate about and known for that expertise. As a younger woman just starting out in the corporate world, I often thought it would be fantastic if I had that one bankable skill.

I later realised it was not about figuring out a skill, an expertise. Instead, it was about finding my identity, who I am and what I stand for.

Here’s the thing about identity or a sense of self, we do not wake up one day and decide that we have no idea who we are and what we want.

This happens gradually, often compounded by other events in life or milestones that we have failed to meet. It usually feels more like us not knowing what we want to do with our life, no clue what our purpose is and generally feeling meh about our lives. Or we might look back at the life we have created for ourselves and wonder what all of it is really for.

What an identity crisis looks like

Many think that we experience these feelings of frustration about who we are during quarter-life crisis or mid-life crisis, but the truth is, we will experience this at multiple points over the course of our lives because as we change, our priorities change accordingly.

We also tend to experience this sense of loss in direction when we compare ourselves to others and think of what we “should” be doing. By a certain age, we think we should be married with kids, have at least two holidays in a year, own the honour of servicing a 25-year mortgage.

We also think we should know what we want to do with our lives by then. That we should know what our passion in life is, what our purpose is. But all of this should happen based on your own timeline, no one else.

As we then get older, our priorities change. Now we are older, we have more bills to pay, more responsibilities and obligations to others and ourselves, and it seems too late to change careers or start following dreams. Relationships start to change as our priorities in life starts to shift from when we were younger.

You couldn’t feel further from what you had planned for your life even if you tried.

The problem of losing sight of who we are

Amidst the sea of obligations, you suddenly find yourself not knowing who you are. How did you get so far from your hopes and dreams for yourself? How did you get this point in your life? Why are the things you do in your life so unfulfilling? Where has that person you knew and identify with gone to?

In our daily lives, we get caught up with the roles and obligations we have. As a parent you are a different person, as a wife and husband you are a different person, as a partner you are different and as a colleague, a friend, a sibling, you are a different person.

But beneath all of that, there is you. The real you. Your true self.

This is the person you are without all of the fancy packaging. The real you when no one is watching. The you who is your biggest supporter and biggest critic all in one. This is your core self, your core identity.

What would knowing who you are do for you?

Who we are is not just a personal brand, we are after, all not merely a product. Having a clear personal identity provides us with very real functions and they are:

• A sense of free will and personal control over our lives

When you know who you are and what motivates you, you gain a sense of control over your life. This happens because you are clear on your own intentions, your own standards and therefore manage your life on your own terms.

Imagine if you were on a holiday. If you knew where you are and had a general plan on where to go and the directions to get there, would you not feel more in control over your trip? And wouldn’t that provide you with the assurance that you are safe and not lost?

Now, imagine again you are on a different trip. This time however, you didn’t want to go. It was not your decision. Perhaps your boss made you. The point is, you are on this trip not on your own free will. Doesn’t this make the trip seem unpleasant somehow?

Studies suggest that having the sense of free will and control over your life gives you higher life satisfaction and therefore makes you happier. I think it sounds like a pretty good option to me, don’t you?

• Increase your self-esteem and self-worth

We feel better about ourselves because we know that we have capabilities unique to ourselves and that we have real worth and value.

Often, when we are lost about who we are and what we want, it usually means that we do not know what we are good at. Self-esteem, self-worth and being good at something is a cycle and they feed off each other.

When we are good at something, we feel better about ourselves. In order for us to get really good at something, we need to continuously work at it, this requires commitment and motivation and that comes from feeling good about ourselves. The better you get at something, the better you feel and the harder you will work at it.

• Feel more secure in yourself

We feel secure in ourselves and because of that we find it easier to trust others and thus connect with them.

When you are clear about who you are and what you stand for, you feel more secure about yourself because you are no longer constantly comparing yourself to others. You don’t feel the need to compare because you now have your own mission to worry about.

Insecurity makes us feel like we have to keep defending ourselves and our choices because we always feel like we are not good enough.

When you feel more secure, you will then find it easier to let your guard down and trust others because that is what is required for people to connect.

• Ability to plan for the future and thus have better decision-making capabilities

Many people who are depressed or unhappy with themselves and lives in general, find it difficult to see past the difficult present.

When you are in this state, you just can’t see how anything you do differently now will make any difference because you simply can’t see how your future could be different. When you cannot see how anything will change your life, you will find it tough to decide on the right course of action today.

Imagine if you knew what you wanted in life, the person you want to become. If you had that goal in mind, would you choose to waste your time with meaningless pursuits that get you nowhere or would you choose to start taking steps towards achieving your goals and behave like the person you know you are capable of being?

• Set the standards you want

Having a clear sense of who you are will help you set your own standards simply because you no longer need to rely only on meeting other people’s expectations.

When your identity is clear, you will have a firm grasp on what is important to you and therefore set your own standards accordingly. Having your own standards in life helps you know what you will accept in your professional life, not only from the work and company but from your colleagues and business associates as well.

In your personal life, having the ability to set standards help you know what your boundaries are, what you deem important in your relationships and helps you take actions that meets your own standards.

So how do we find ourselves?

Knowing what a strong identity does for us is good and all, but how we define ourselves, how we find out who we really are?

Defining who you are is not something you can do in a few minutes or hours even. It takes time to really get to know what makes you, you. But to start with, here some questions to get you going:

1. How would I describe myself?
2. How do I want to ideally describe myself?
3. What am I really struggling with at the moment?
4. What am I really interested in? Interested enough to invest more time and effort into it?
5. What do I do outside of my work?
6. What is the quality of my relationships with people?
7. What kind of people do I want to be with/around and why?
8. What am I inspired by?
9. What do I want to be remembered for?
10. How do I want to contribute to the people around me?

*For a more in-depth look at these questions, please check out this article here: 10 questions to help you find yourself

It is never too late

Figuring out who you are takes time, exploration. You need to try out some things on for size, you can’t just decide you are a painter if you have never painted. You can’t just decide that you are going to be remembered for composing an amazing song of you have never done so.

Also, defining yourself is much more than just what you can do. It is about being the person within you.

Who you are today will not be the same ten years from now.

Your identity will always change, just as your taste for fashion and food changes.

But no matter how much you change, no matter where you are in life, it is never too late to start figuring out who you really are and what you really want in life.