The Difference Between Who You Think You Should Be vs Your Authentic Self

By the time we are teenagers, we already know what we should do. We should go to a good school, we should be an office worker with fulltime benefits, we should be married by 30 years old, we should own a house and have two and a half kids. Throw in a picket fence and a golden retriever and we are perfect. What if this is not our version of perfection? Will we wake up one day and not even recognise ourselves in this pseudo-reality of our lives. The reality is that what we should do and be is subjective to the individual. If you’ve ever asked, “Am I living the life I truly want, or just the life I think I should?” this article will help you explore the difference between who you think you should be and who you truly are, and offer practical steps to reconnect with your authentic self.

Being authentic to ourselves

The problem with living based on what we should do instead of what we really want to do is that we end up with a life that is not authentic to who we are. For example, many of us choose careers that our parents have told us to choose.  In collectivistic cultures especially, we are expected to choose respectable careers that would make good income such as being a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer. But income is only one aspect of it, it’s the prestige that comes with some careers that some parents really love lording over their friends and relatives. If a prestigious career is out of reach then “safe” careers such as corporate work where you have insurance, fulltime perks such as bonus and leave is preferable and encouraged.

Living with self-imposed rules

However, let’s be clear. Sometimes, we impose these “rules” on ourselves. Maybe you feel like you should marry the person you’ve dated for 5 years because it seems like the right thing to do at your age. But yet, you don’t feel that spark when you look at your partner. Perhaps we dream of becoming an entrepreneur and yet somehow, our fear of what could happen then influences us to choose the safe option because that is the right thing to do. Often, we are also driven by obligations such as taking care of our families and we feel like we should take the first job that pays the bills instead of following our dreams.

Finding work that works for you

I can relate to this. For many years I had also worked 9 to 5 because I felt that is what I should do. Firstly, I needed money to pay bills and working 9 to 5 in an office, that’s what normal people do right? When I felt unhappy with that kind of work, I questioned why was I so difficult to please and I often felt guilty for not being happier. But the truth is that how work looks like is different for all of us. I preferred working on my own schedule and without commuting, and so remote work, then freelance work became more aligned with how I wish my work schedule to look like.

But format is only one factor. The other thing was I wanted to do more than marketing. I love the subject of psychology, identity and behaviours. I wanted to work on what makes people tick and marketing was not authentic to my true passions. So even though the format of how I worked was compatible, what I was working on at that time was not. However, I stuck with it at the time because it felt safe but I was living a life misaligned with my authentic self.

Clues you are living someone else’s version of life

Living a life that is not aligned with our authentic self does not just occur overnight, it slowly manifests and here are some clues:

• You seek external approval and validation to boost your self-worth
• You are constantly people-pleasing, afraid to have an opinion or afraid to disagree with others
• You are unsure of who you are and disconnected from your true desires
• You feel stuck or trapped in your current situation, like you can’t get out of it no matter how hard you try
• You feel like you are playing a role, or putting on an act to fit in
• You have feelings of emptiness or unsure of whether there is any real meaning in your life

How to reconnect with your authentic self

Reflection

You need to learn to learn to listen to yourself again. Nobody knows us more than ourselves but what often happens is that we have chosen to shut off from our own thoughts, our own feelings and our own desires. Sometimes this was learned over time since we were little and sometimes, we meet people along the way who shut us off from ourselves. Start by asking yourself what you want, what would make you happy and what is making you unhappy.

Find your values

Values are the foundation of who we are. Our core values guide us on what goals to pursue, what boundaries to set, what standards we should have. It doesn’t need to be a long list of values, most of us are really guided by a handful of core values. Finding your core values is a series of questions you can ask yourself, you can go here for my guide on Finding Your Core Values to help you get started.

Do something just for you

Think of something you would like to do just for yourself. Not to run an errand or to do something for others. It could be something simple like having a coffee in your favourite café or somewhere you’ve always wanted to check out. It could be having a picnic just by yourself or taking a walk in the park. The point of this is to start taking small steps to connect with you again.

Why authenticity is powerful and freeing

You feel better about everything because you don’t need to put on a mask for the world. You accept yourself for who you are and not attach your self-worth to things you do for others. When you set goals that are aligned with your true self, these are called self-concordant goals, you are more intrinsically motivated to accomplish them rather than pushed externally. This means that you are more likely to achieve them.

When you know who you really are, you know what you want and what you don’t want. This knowledge leads to actions and leads to personal growth. Finally, when you are authentic, you connect with others authentically, without pretences and form real, meaningful relationships with others who see you for who you are.

Ready to get clear on who you truly are and live authentically?

👉 Take the free 5-minute Identity Clarity Quiz to discover your unique path and start aligning with your authentic self today.